So for the past six months I have moved around a lot. I got kicked out of my friend's house while jobless; then I slept on my friend's floor for two months. During that time I found an okay paying job at a local mall working at a kiosk selling cell phone acessories. While working there I moved to Roanoke to work at one of our kiosks at that location. It was a trying and wonderful experience. Trying because as per usual people completely disregard how things would affect me and instead they betrayed my trust, but it was still a wonderful experience because of the simple fact that I finally got away from my hometown. I learned so much durring the two months I spent there about people and a lot about myself. I moved back three weeks ago and I am now living with two very good friends, but the week after I moved back I went to New York for a week to visit family up in Watertown. It was a lot of fun even though I almost died twice. The first time I almost had a firework hit me in the face, and the the next night I went out with my parents and two of our cousins on a boat to watch the fireworks the set off every year for French Day in Cape Vincent. Well when we got to the Cape a wake came over the bow of our boat and ended up capsizing the boat. We were all pulled out by the Coast Guard and no one was hurt. In fact the boat was able to be towed to shore and pulled out of the water and was up and running the next day. Although I'm pretty sure the boat, now deemed "The Demon Boat" , is most likely going to be sold.
So all in all a lot has happened to me in these past few months and I have decided that I'm going to get my life on track. I'm going to try going to Job Corps in the fall and getting a nursing license and just go on from there. I will admit I've loved moving around these last few months I just wish I could get out of Virginia for more than a week. I'll find a way eventually though. Well that's all for now, bye!
-Coyote
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Monday, March 31, 2014
A little bit of evaluation.
I have dropped my english class and I am only doing this because I am not in the best place right now. I regret things; everyone does at some point in their life. I regret disappointing the people I love. I regret not telling certain people that I love them. I regret being a failure at everything I do. We all fall down at some point and we are supposed to get up and try to do better, I however, just seem to fall deeper and deeper. I may climb back up a little bit but every time I do I fall twice as much as I had climbed. Mind you this is not a oh pitty me my life sucks. I have enjoyed most of my mistakes though I know I shouldn't do them again. I take things as they are and try to better myself, but when I do my family seems to think the choice I have made is a detrimental decision. My grandparents, both of whom I care about very much and strive to be like in my own way, see me and want the best for me but if I don't do it their way then they see it as me screwing up my life. Sad thing is as much as I love them, they hardly know who I really am.
Let me tell you the basics about me, because you wouldn't understand how I've come to be the way I am with out me telling you. I was seven or eight when my father died, and before him I had experienced the death of family members before. After he passed away I gained an understanding of how life is. We are here and we make impacts however small it may be on every person we have met in the time that we have. A year or two later my mother and I were moving in with my mother's boyfriend. I was in fourth grade at the time. I didn't fit in that well but I did make some friends. Time went on and by sixth grade I was a very different person. I experienced another death of a close relative, my father's mom. My cousins and I called her Nanny, she wasn't anything like my mother's parents she was just honest. She didn't sugar coat anything and she was the nicest lady on the planet at the same time. My father's side of my family pretty much fell apart after she passed and only recently have started to reconnect. At thirteen I started to harm myself my parents and I did not get along and I was bullied by the kids at my school for dressing the way I did. The bullies didn't bother me much; they pissed me off more than anything. Instead it was the way my parents treated me that got to me the most. My mother did not play the roll of the parent my stepfather did. He would be the one that punished me and both of them would yell at me when giving me a lecture. It was the way they twisted my words and the way they made everything my fault that got to me. I would try to explain myself and they'd turn everything I said into something else. They said I was a selfish, self centered brat that only cared about herself and didn't give a dam about other people. They put me in therapy when the school found out that I was cutting myself, but when it came time for me to tell them why I felt the way I did they would tell me I was wrong to feel that way. The therapist would tell them they were wrong and try to get them to talk about why they talked to me the way they did, but they would just lie and say they didn't know. They eventually pulled me out of therapy because things seemed to hit a hiatus. However, they would only get worse as I got older, and at one point durring a yelling session between them and I when I was in my freshman year of high school I told them that I still cut myself and that I did it because of them. My mother just rolled her eyes and told me I was stupid and walked away.
My depression got worse and worse until one night when I was sixteen and my parents and I were just finishing up with dinner. It was the end of summer and I was going to go back to school soon, and that night we got into a really bad fight. They told me that if I continued living the way I was I was going to be nothing but a failure at life. That I was going to be nothing. That I was just average and that I did everything half assed and I would end up being one of those bums on welfare. After that fight I took a bottle of Amitriptyline to which I was prescribed for migraines and half of a bottle of sleeping pills. I told them goodnight and to sleep well. I acted as though everything was normal and proceeded to my bedroom and sat down to watch tv while I waited for the pills to kick in. I don't know how long it took but I found out it was working when I was leaning sideways from my chair without knowing I was doing so. I decided to go to bed one I realized I couldn't get sit up straight. when I laid down I remember feeling like my heart was going to come out of my throat; as weird as that sounds. An hour later I woke up and felt as if I was in a black hole, I couldn't see anything. So I climbed down from my bunk bed and tried to find my light switch, and started to panicked when I couldn't. Once I finally found it and turned my lights on I tried to open my door but, but I couldn't grasp the handle. The only things I remember clearly after that is saying, "Don't worry, I was training with master Yoda." That was in response to "Are you okay?". And seeing blue bugs in the hollowed out center of a fake wax candle. After that the trip to the emergency room is just a blank accepted for the lights while we were going across the bridge, but not getting into the car or the hospital. The doctor asked if I had done it on purpose, and I told him no. My parents knew I had lied but took me home anyways. Time went on and I became numb to everyone and put on a façade that I was fine. I became used to being used by people; weither it was friends or lovers that did so. I just lived because I apparently couldn't even off myself correctly, and the only things that kept me going and still do are; my grandparents, my close friends, and work. My grandparents are blissfully ignorant of the fact that I've been depressed all of these years or that I've even tried to kill myself. My friends have helped me get my mind off of things when the weight of all the crap I carry in my mind gets too much to bare. And work helped me to get away and escape. It forced me to focus on things other than my home and my love life.
I am nineteen now and I no longer live with my parents. It still kills me to know that I will never be what they want me to be. What kills me more is that now my grandparents see me as my parents see me. They ask me why I moved out and tell me it was a poor decision. I don't tell them why, I just say it's for the best and that I'm going to be happier. They just say it's a bunch of nonsense, but what's done is done. I still have depression issues as well as anxiety problems. I deal with it in ways I know how to. As I said before I have regrets concerning my family, and at this point I don't know if I will ever resolve them. I hope that I will but hoping has never done me much good. Please note that I write this not for pity or sympathy, but just to set my mind in order because today I feel very reminiscent of that night when I was sixteen. This is just so I can think and evaluate.
-Coyote
Let me tell you the basics about me, because you wouldn't understand how I've come to be the way I am with out me telling you. I was seven or eight when my father died, and before him I had experienced the death of family members before. After he passed away I gained an understanding of how life is. We are here and we make impacts however small it may be on every person we have met in the time that we have. A year or two later my mother and I were moving in with my mother's boyfriend. I was in fourth grade at the time. I didn't fit in that well but I did make some friends. Time went on and by sixth grade I was a very different person. I experienced another death of a close relative, my father's mom. My cousins and I called her Nanny, she wasn't anything like my mother's parents she was just honest. She didn't sugar coat anything and she was the nicest lady on the planet at the same time. My father's side of my family pretty much fell apart after she passed and only recently have started to reconnect. At thirteen I started to harm myself my parents and I did not get along and I was bullied by the kids at my school for dressing the way I did. The bullies didn't bother me much; they pissed me off more than anything. Instead it was the way my parents treated me that got to me the most. My mother did not play the roll of the parent my stepfather did. He would be the one that punished me and both of them would yell at me when giving me a lecture. It was the way they twisted my words and the way they made everything my fault that got to me. I would try to explain myself and they'd turn everything I said into something else. They said I was a selfish, self centered brat that only cared about herself and didn't give a dam about other people. They put me in therapy when the school found out that I was cutting myself, but when it came time for me to tell them why I felt the way I did they would tell me I was wrong to feel that way. The therapist would tell them they were wrong and try to get them to talk about why they talked to me the way they did, but they would just lie and say they didn't know. They eventually pulled me out of therapy because things seemed to hit a hiatus. However, they would only get worse as I got older, and at one point durring a yelling session between them and I when I was in my freshman year of high school I told them that I still cut myself and that I did it because of them. My mother just rolled her eyes and told me I was stupid and walked away.
My depression got worse and worse until one night when I was sixteen and my parents and I were just finishing up with dinner. It was the end of summer and I was going to go back to school soon, and that night we got into a really bad fight. They told me that if I continued living the way I was I was going to be nothing but a failure at life. That I was going to be nothing. That I was just average and that I did everything half assed and I would end up being one of those bums on welfare. After that fight I took a bottle of Amitriptyline to which I was prescribed for migraines and half of a bottle of sleeping pills. I told them goodnight and to sleep well. I acted as though everything was normal and proceeded to my bedroom and sat down to watch tv while I waited for the pills to kick in. I don't know how long it took but I found out it was working when I was leaning sideways from my chair without knowing I was doing so. I decided to go to bed one I realized I couldn't get sit up straight. when I laid down I remember feeling like my heart was going to come out of my throat; as weird as that sounds. An hour later I woke up and felt as if I was in a black hole, I couldn't see anything. So I climbed down from my bunk bed and tried to find my light switch, and started to panicked when I couldn't. Once I finally found it and turned my lights on I tried to open my door but, but I couldn't grasp the handle. The only things I remember clearly after that is saying, "Don't worry, I was training with master Yoda." That was in response to "Are you okay?". And seeing blue bugs in the hollowed out center of a fake wax candle. After that the trip to the emergency room is just a blank accepted for the lights while we were going across the bridge, but not getting into the car or the hospital. The doctor asked if I had done it on purpose, and I told him no. My parents knew I had lied but took me home anyways. Time went on and I became numb to everyone and put on a façade that I was fine. I became used to being used by people; weither it was friends or lovers that did so. I just lived because I apparently couldn't even off myself correctly, and the only things that kept me going and still do are; my grandparents, my close friends, and work. My grandparents are blissfully ignorant of the fact that I've been depressed all of these years or that I've even tried to kill myself. My friends have helped me get my mind off of things when the weight of all the crap I carry in my mind gets too much to bare. And work helped me to get away and escape. It forced me to focus on things other than my home and my love life.
I am nineteen now and I no longer live with my parents. It still kills me to know that I will never be what they want me to be. What kills me more is that now my grandparents see me as my parents see me. They ask me why I moved out and tell me it was a poor decision. I don't tell them why, I just say it's for the best and that I'm going to be happier. They just say it's a bunch of nonsense, but what's done is done. I still have depression issues as well as anxiety problems. I deal with it in ways I know how to. As I said before I have regrets concerning my family, and at this point I don't know if I will ever resolve them. I hope that I will but hoping has never done me much good. Please note that I write this not for pity or sympathy, but just to set my mind in order because today I feel very reminiscent of that night when I was sixteen. This is just so I can think and evaluate.
-Coyote
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Where's Coyote?
So this week I have been competing for a car salesman position at Colonial Honda. Tomorrow is the final interview day and I am hopeful; although secptical because of my looks. Blue hair and gagues aren't really the norm so far as professional sales people are concerned. Also tomorrow I will be returning to class finally! They told me I had to be there otherwise there was no point in taking me into consideration if I couldn't work around school. Which was rather annoying but, oh well it's done, and so are my papers! In other news over the break I went to this awesome open mic night in Cary Town at the Cary Town bistro and coffee house. It was really cool and the preformers were great. The atmosphere was nice and warm even though it was rather frigid outside and the people were friendly. I've been to this place before and I always love to go. I like things like that because the whenever a group of strangers can get together and get along like that and support one another it's bound to be a good time for all. The have this open mic night every Thursday and they serve great coffee and tea as well as food. If you are 21 and over then they even have some alcoholic beverages; just be responsible with it. Well folks that's all I have for you I will update you all next week.
-Coyote
-Coyote
Friday, March 7, 2014
In the world of me
So this week in the world of me I quit my job and I have been going to interviews all week. I've had a fewbut I'm really looking forward to today's it's at a place called Visionary Promotions. The are a marketing firm in the west end of Richmond and they deal with all sorts of clients like the people who make the deadsea make up. So excuse me if I look a bit dressed up today I missed the interview yesterday because my gps doesn't believe that it exists...I really need to update that thing. As for Amazon, I'd love to return one day but as an Amazonian, their nickname for their employees, and not integrity. Integrity was incredibly stupid and it seemed like after the peak season the management wanted to get rid of us. But anyway that's all for now I have to go make up a test I missed.
-Coyote
-Coyote
Thursday, February 20, 2014
sick of being sick -_-
So as of late I have been rather sick. I had a UTI one week, and that sucked it was quite painful. The next I had an ovarian cyst which ruptured while I was a work and actually put me out of work and kept me from school for a week. Unfortunately seening as it ruptured while i was at work, and that led to me shaking and not being able to move for quite a while. I also waited to long to go to the doctor so they don't know if it was cancerous or not because my body absorbed the fluids and what not from it so they couldn't do a biopsy, but it's just something I need to watch from now on. That's better now though, however now I have a cold...what ever I did to get this karmatic punch in the face I am very sorry. I just want to be healthy again! I've never had this many issues with my health and quite frankly this just blows. Now I have to work over time to try and make up for the work I have missed....and then there's school. I have a lot of catching up to do.
-Coyote
-Coyote
Friday, February 7, 2014
Weekly Update
Okay, so I haven't been at school all that much this week, but I here's what I know. On Monday we talked about what makes a good argumentative essay. With argumentative essays I believe that the goal is to get others to see your point of view without getting to terribly aggravated about your statements. Other than that I have no clue what we did on Wednesday because I wasn't able to be there due to some health issues, but I'm all better now so hopefully I'll be able to be in class from now on.
As of late I have started to feel the stress of working really late nights and getting about five to six hours of sleep a week. So I have decided to revert to a part time student, and also I don't believe that I will be following that path anymore. Meaning I will not be joining the Peace Corps. anymore.This may sound ridiculous but two days ago I saw a movie any I was awestruck by what I saw. The movie was Cirque Du Soleil: Worlds Away, and I was amazed by what these people are capable of. It has made me want to get back into ballet and gymnastics; I want to get to the point to where I can do what these people can do. Is it just going to be a dream I chase or will it be something that I can actually accomplish? I have no clue but I do know that I will try my hardest to do it. Mind you I will have a back up plan, one that is always in the back of my mind, to become a criminal psychologist. Whatever the out come is it will surely be a while before I can reach either of them. Well that's all for now folks I shall speak to you next week.
- Coyote
As of late I have started to feel the stress of working really late nights and getting about five to six hours of sleep a week. So I have decided to revert to a part time student, and also I don't believe that I will be following that path anymore. Meaning I will not be joining the Peace Corps. anymore.This may sound ridiculous but two days ago I saw a movie any I was awestruck by what I saw. The movie was Cirque Du Soleil: Worlds Away, and I was amazed by what these people are capable of. It has made me want to get back into ballet and gymnastics; I want to get to the point to where I can do what these people can do. Is it just going to be a dream I chase or will it be something that I can actually accomplish? I have no clue but I do know that I will try my hardest to do it. Mind you I will have a back up plan, one that is always in the back of my mind, to become a criminal psychologist. Whatever the out come is it will surely be a while before I can reach either of them. Well that's all for now folks I shall speak to you next week.
- Coyote
Friday, January 31, 2014
WEEKLY NEWS
So, not much this week. There was a lot of snow and I found out that my car doesn't stop on snow/ice. Thankfully the truck was going straight and I had to go right. In other news I'm moving out of my house and I started that process yesterday. Rent will be fifty dollars a week and with my job that will be very easy to do. Car insurance will be about twenty to thirty dollars a month because I have family in the insurance business. I'm going to be living with my friend and co-worker Kristin and her family while we build credit to rent a place of our own. Plus this way we can see if we can live together so that way we don't waste money on rent and get stuck with each other.
In other news I am converting to Amazon as a full time employee and since I'm night shift I'll be getting a raise. Only down side to this is that I'll be getting paid bi-weekly instead of weekly. Good thing though I'll be getting better benefits through Amazon than Integrity. I will admit that while I am very excited to leave my house, the house I have hated since I was thirteen, I am also a bit nervous because I will be on my own.
-Coyote
In other news I am converting to Amazon as a full time employee and since I'm night shift I'll be getting a raise. Only down side to this is that I'll be getting paid bi-weekly instead of weekly. Good thing though I'll be getting better benefits through Amazon than Integrity. I will admit that while I am very excited to leave my house, the house I have hated since I was thirteen, I am also a bit nervous because I will be on my own.
-Coyote
Monday, January 27, 2014
About me
Hey guys, my name is Jessica but I go by Jess. This is my first semester of college and I am a full time student as well as a full time employee at Amazon. I work from 6 to 4:30 in the morning and sometimes it is hell. Working for Amazon can be okay but a lot of the time it is just full of crap. I walk about 15 miles a night and with the amount of work you do half of the time it feels like you don't get paid nearly enough. But at the end of the week I make more than I ever have and tnat is the only reason I still work there. Outside of work I love to draw, my favorite mediums are graphite, charcoal, and color pencil. I manly do realism but I also like doing abstract work. I also love getting tattoos and talking about tattoos because I find it amazing what some people are able to do on a persons' skin. I don't do well with ink so it truely amazes me some times when I see some peoples pieces.
A few things to know about me are that I am an atheist with pagan views. For some reason the idea of a god like figure has never clicked with me. However I love to learn about what others believe in, and when I question about your religion I mean no offense sometimes I just don't understand and it might come off as offense. I assure you though I don't mean to be. My pagan views come into play by the fact that I read palms and do tarot cards. I favor palmistry though because you lead your life working with your hands so you mold your past into them. I may come off weird talking about this but it's something I found interesting and decided to pick up. Typically if I find something interesting I will run with it. In a few of my english classes in high school I gave a few of my teachers head aches, because I would find a topic interesting and go off and write a thirteen page paper when it should've only been five. Well I hope I gave you some insight as to who I am. I just got off of work so I need some sleep, night!
-Coyote
A few things to know about me are that I am an atheist with pagan views. For some reason the idea of a god like figure has never clicked with me. However I love to learn about what others believe in, and when I question about your religion I mean no offense sometimes I just don't understand and it might come off as offense. I assure you though I don't mean to be. My pagan views come into play by the fact that I read palms and do tarot cards. I favor palmistry though because you lead your life working with your hands so you mold your past into them. I may come off weird talking about this but it's something I found interesting and decided to pick up. Typically if I find something interesting I will run with it. In a few of my english classes in high school I gave a few of my teachers head aches, because I would find a topic interesting and go off and write a thirteen page paper when it should've only been five. Well I hope I gave you some insight as to who I am. I just got off of work so I need some sleep, night!
-Coyote
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)