Wednesday, September 14, 2016


 I have been absent from this blog for a while and a lot has happened and changed in my life. I will fill you in, whoever if anyone at all reads this, at a later date on the amazing adventures I have taken. And although I no longer take the class that this blog was created for I have decided to continue writing on here; mainly to get things off my mind. I understand no body is likely to read this and I am fine with that. Now onward to the true purpose of this post.
  This entry is about reincarnation, If you do not already know I am a very strong believer when it comes to that. Mainly because of my first memory; I will tell you about that in a little while. However right now I would like to make it clear to you that there is a difference in remembering past lives and Pre Birth Memories. Past lives are in a sense lives that your soul has experienced and lived through while in a different time and body. At times there have been people who are able to recall what happened to them in these lives. Now Pre Birth Memories are when people are able to recall the moments before they were born, or right before they gained consciousness and became aware of being alive for the first time.
  Now I would like to say that while it may sound absurd the memory I'm going to tell you about is my personal Pre Birth/Consciousness memory. I was three years old at the time and however weird it may seem to you, it truely felt real to me when it took place.

This memory has always stood out to me and has been one of the few memories I have always been able to remember in great detail. I was three years old when this happened and I honestly have no memory of anything that happened in my life before this memory/dream, whatever you deem it to be, took place. It was only after this that I would be conscious to the world around me.
  I was in a white room that was very expansive, with craters in the floor that contained a clear unmoving liquid. The edges of the craters came up to about chest level on an average size adult and were rough and uneven almost like rock but pure white. I remember I was an adult and I had a body but couldn't see distinct features on myself or any of the shadowy figures standing around the many different craters surrounding me. The shadowy figures seemed to have a humanoid appearance to them. I say humanoid because not all of them were entirely human shaped; they had arms, legs, and everything else but some of them looked different, human like, but not at the same time ...if that makes any sense.
   Everyone was standing around the craters when I became aware of my surroundings and walked toward one of the craters in the back that I somehow knew to go to; and as I approached the crater and I felt that I knew the people around it. One of the figures to my right touched the water-like substance as i got close to the edge of the crater and caused a ripple to briefly run across the surface. I looked down into the water-like substance that was held within the crater and as the surface of the liquid because still I saw a young girl that seemed to be in a spotlight asleep in a bed that appeared to be at the bottom and thus very far below.
   I looked to the shadowy figure to my left and asked who the girl was. The figure, who I asume was male  because of the voice, then tells me that the girl is who I will be from now on. I started to protest but then my head was shoved into the water-like substance, and the next thing I knew I was falling. I turned my head as I fell and managed to get one last look at the figures that stood around the crater above. And as I fell into this new darkness and looked at them I saw the only detail I would mange to see. I saw their eyes watching me fall. No other features were able to be seen, just their eyes. As I fell into place on the bed I woke up suddenly and with a racing heart ran downstairs to my mom's computer room and asked her what I was. She didn't understand the question and so I asked again but this time I said" What am I?  Am I a boy or am I a girl? ".
   Now you can make what you want of this; because I know half of you probably think I'm crazy now. If need be think of it as nothing more than a dream if you don't think it could be anything else. However before you do disregard this as a dream and not a memory look up "Pre Birth Memories" on a search engine. Browse through and read through some of them. I didn't even know that pre birth memories were a thing until last night; I have told two people about this memory because of how odd it all sounds. After reading some of those other memories and seeing some of the similarities between theirs and mine it made me think that since I'm not the only one to remember something like this it wouldn't be entirely crazy sounding.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Gypsy living

   So for the past six months I have moved around a lot.  I got kicked out of my friend's house while jobless; then I slept on my friend's floor for two months. During that time I found an okay paying job at a local mall working at a kiosk selling cell phone acessories. While working there I moved to Roanoke to work at one of our kiosks at that location. It was a trying and wonderful experience. Trying because as per usual people completely disregard how things would affect me and instead they betrayed my trust, but it was still a wonderful experience because of the simple fact that I finally got away from my hometown. I learned so much durring the two months I spent there about people and a lot about myself. I moved back three weeks ago and I am now living with two very good friends, but the week after I moved back I went to New York for a week to visit family up in Watertown.  It was a lot of fun even though I almost died twice. The first time I almost had a firework hit me in the face, and the the next night I went out with my parents and two of our cousins on a boat to watch the fireworks the set off every year for French Day in Cape Vincent. Well when we got to the Cape a wake came over the bow of our boat and ended up capsizing the boat. We were all pulled out by the Coast Guard and no one was hurt.  In fact the boat was able to be towed to shore and pulled out of the water and was up and running the next day. Although I'm pretty sure the boat, now deemed "The Demon Boat" , is most likely going to be sold.
       So all in all a lot has happened to me in these past few months and I have decided that I'm going to get my life on track. I'm going to try going to Job Corps in the fall and getting a nursing license and just go on from there. I will admit I've loved moving around these last few months I just wish I could get out of Virginia for more than a week. I'll find a way eventually though. Well that's all for now, bye!


Monday, March 31, 2014

A little bit of evaluation.

   I have dropped my english class and I am only doing this because I am not in the best place right now. I regret things; everyone does at some point in their life. I regret disappointing the people I love. I regret not telling certain people that I love them. I regret being a failure at everything I do. We all fall down at some point and we are supposed to get up and try to do better,  I however, just seem to fall deeper and deeper. I may climb back up a little bit but every time I do I fall twice as much as I had climbed. Mind you this is not a oh pitty me my life sucks. I have enjoyed most of my mistakes though I know I shouldn't do them again. I take things as they are and try to better myself, but when I do my family seems to think the choice I have made is a detrimental decision. My grandparents, both of whom I care about very much and strive to be like in my own way, see me and want the best for me but if I don't do it their way then they see it as me screwing up my life. Sad thing is as much as I love them, they hardly know who I really am.
    Let me tell you the basics about me, because you wouldn't understand how I've come to be the way I am with out me telling you. I was seven or eight when my father died, and before him I had experienced the death of family members before. After he passed away I gained an understanding of how life is. We are here and we make impacts however small it may be on every person we have met in the time that we have. A year or two later my mother and I were moving in with my mother's boyfriend. I was in fourth grade at the time. I didn't fit in that well but I did make some friends. Time went on and by sixth grade I was a very different person. I experienced another death of a close relative, my father's mom. My cousins and I called her Nanny, she wasn't anything like my mother's parents she was just honest. She didn't sugar coat anything and she was the nicest lady on the planet at the same time. My father's side of my family pretty much fell apart after she passed and only recently have started to reconnect.  At thirteen I started to harm myself my parents and I did not get along and I was bullied by the kids at my school for dressing the way I did. The bullies didn't bother me much; they pissed me off more than anything. Instead it was the way my parents treated me that got to me the most. My mother did not play the roll of the parent my stepfather did. He would be the one that punished me and both of them would yell at me when  giving me a lecture. It was the way they twisted my words and the way they made everything my fault that got to me. I would try to explain myself and they'd turn everything I said into something else. They said I was a selfish, self centered brat that only cared about herself and didn't give a dam about other people. They put me in therapy when the school found out that I was cutting myself, but when it came time for me to tell them why I felt the way I did they would tell me I was wrong to feel that way. The therapist would tell them they were wrong and try to get them to talk about why they talked to me the way they did, but they would just lie and say they didn't know. They eventually pulled me out of therapy because things seemed to hit a hiatus. However, they would only get worse as I got older, and at one point durring a yelling session between them and I when I was in my freshman year of high school I told them that I still cut myself and that I did it because of them. My mother just rolled her eyes and told me I was stupid and walked away.
    My depression got worse and worse until one night when I was sixteen and my parents and I were just finishing up with dinner. It was the end of summer and I was going to go back to school soon, and that night we got into a really bad fight. They told me that if I continued living the way I was I was going to be nothing but a failure at life. That I was going to be nothing. That I was just average and that I did everything half assed and I would end up being one of those bums on welfare. After that fight I took a bottle of Amitriptyline to which I was prescribed for migraines and half of a bottle of sleeping pills. I told them goodnight and to sleep well. I acted as though everything was normal and proceeded to my bedroom and sat down to watch tv while I waited for the pills to kick in. I don't know how long it took but I found out it was working when I was leaning sideways from my chair without knowing I was doing so. I decided to go to bed one I realized I couldn't get sit up straight. when I laid down I remember feeling like my heart was going to come out of  my throat; as weird as that sounds. An hour later I woke up and felt as if I was in a black hole, I couldn't see anything. So I climbed down from my bunk bed and tried to find my light switch, and started to panicked when I couldn't. Once I finally found it and turned my lights on I tried to open my door but, but I couldn't grasp the handle. The only things I remember clearly after that is saying, "Don't worry, I was training with master Yoda." That was in response to "Are you okay?". And seeing blue bugs in the hollowed out center of a fake wax candle. After that the trip to the emergency room is just a blank accepted for the lights while we were going across the bridge, but not getting into the car or the hospital. The doctor asked if I had done it on purpose,  and I told him no. My parents knew I had lied but took me home anyways. Time went on and I became numb to everyone and put on a fa├žade that I was fine. I became used to being used by people; weither it was friends or lovers that did so. I just lived because I apparently couldn't even off myself correctly,  and the only things that kept me going and still do are; my grandparents, my close friends, and work. My grandparents are blissfully ignorant of the fact that I've been depressed all of these years or that I've even tried to kill myself.  My friends have helped me get my mind off of things when the weight of all the crap I carry in my mind gets too much to bare. And work helped me to get away and escape. It forced me to focus on things other than my home and my love life.
    I am nineteen now and I no longer live with my parents. It still kills me to know that I will never be what they want me to be. What kills me more is that now my grandparents see me as my parents see me. They ask me why I moved out and tell me it was a poor decision. I don't tell them why, I just say it's for the best and that I'm going to be happier. They just say it's a bunch of nonsense, but what's done is done. I still have depression issues as well as anxiety problems.  I deal with it in ways I know how to. As I said before I have regrets concerning my family, and at this point I don't know if I will ever resolve them. I hope that I will but hoping has never done me much good. Please note that I write this not for pity or sympathy,  but just to set my mind in order because today I feel very  reminiscent of that night when I was sixteen. This is just so I can think and evaluate.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Where's Coyote?

       So this week I have been competing for a car salesman position at Colonial Honda. Tomorrow is the final interview day and I am hopeful; although secptical because of my looks. Blue hair and gagues aren't really the norm so far as professional sales people are concerned. Also tomorrow I will be returning to class finally! They told me I had to be there otherwise there was no point in taking me into consideration if I couldn't work around school.  Which was rather annoying but, oh well it's done, and so are my papers! In other news over the break I went to this awesome open mic night in Cary Town at the Cary Town bistro and coffee house. It was really cool and the preformers were great. The atmosphere was nice and warm even though it was rather frigid outside and the people were friendly. I've been to this place before and I always love to go. I like things like that because the whenever a group of strangers can get together and get along like that and support one another it's bound to be a good time for all. The have this open mic night every Thursday and they serve great coffee and tea as well as food. If you are 21 and over then they even have some alcoholic beverages; just be responsible with it. Well folks that's all I have for you I will update you all next week.


Friday, March 7, 2014

In the world of me

     So this week in the world of me I quit my job and I have been going to interviews all week. I've had a fewbut I'm really looking forward to today's it's at a place called Visionary Promotions. The are a marketing firm in the west end of Richmond and they deal with all sorts of clients like the people who make the deadsea make up. So excuse me if I look a bit dressed up today I missed the interview yesterday because my gps doesn't believe that it exists...I really need to update that thing. As for Amazon, I'd love to return one day but as an Amazonian, their nickname for their employees, and not integrity. Integrity was incredibly stupid and it seemed like after the peak season the management wanted to get rid of us. But anyway that's all for now I have to go make up a test I missed.


Thursday, February 20, 2014

sick of being sick -_-

    So as of late I have been rather sick. I had a UTI one week, and that sucked it was quite painful. The next I had an ovarian cyst which ruptured while I was a work and actually put me out of work and kept me from school for a week. Unfortunately seening as it ruptured while i was at work, and that led to me shaking and not being able to move for quite a while. I also waited to long to go to the doctor so they don't know if it was cancerous or not because my body absorbed the fluids and what not from it so they couldn't do a biopsy, but it's just something I need to watch from now on. That's better now though, however now I have a cold...what ever I did to get this karmatic punch in the face I am very sorry. I just want to be healthy again! I've never had this many issues with my health and quite frankly this just blows. Now I have to work over time to try and make up for the work I have missed....and then there's school. I have a lot of catching up to do.


Friday, February 7, 2014

Weekly Update

     Okay, so I haven't been at school all that much this week, but I here's what I know. On Monday we talked about what makes a good argumentative essay. With argumentative essays I believe that the goal is to get others to see your point of view without getting to terribly aggravated about your statements. Other than that I have no clue what we did on Wednesday because I wasn't able to be there due to some health issues, but I'm all better now so hopefully I'll be able to be in class from now on.
    As of late I have started to feel the stress of working really late nights and getting about five to six hours of sleep a week. So I have decided to revert to a part time student, and also I don't believe that I will be following that path anymore. Meaning I will not be joining the Peace Corps. anymore.This may sound ridiculous but two days ago I saw a movie any I was awestruck by what I saw. The movie was Cirque Du Soleil: Worlds Away, and I was amazed by what these people are capable of. It has made me want to get back into ballet and gymnastics; I want to get to the point to where I can do what these people can do. Is it just going to be a dream I chase or will it be something that I can actually accomplish? I have no clue but I do know that I will try my hardest to do it. Mind you I will have a back up plan, one that is always in the back of my mind, to become a criminal psychologist. Whatever the out come is it will surely be a while before I can reach either of them. Well that's all for now folks I shall speak to you next week.

      - Coyote